


Calc.

by tangerinecoffee



Category: Winner (Band)
Genre: Behind the Scenes, Canon-Compliant, M/M, Sentimental
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-19
Updated: 2017-03-19
Packaged: 2018-10-07 17:42:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10365996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tangerinecoffee/pseuds/tangerinecoffee
Summary: Canon-compliant. Two sides of a story. What happened behind the scenes, and what they hoped for in the future.





	

**Author's Note:**

> *I tried another style of writing and somehow ended up with something kind of lonely. I was sentimental for a reason and this happened. Don't get me wrong, I am also waiting for 444 but I cannot deny the fact that I still wish TH was with them.
> 
> What is Calc.? It's a Vocaloid song (this version was the one covered by Ashe and lyrics by Madoislilo) and I fell in love with it back in my highschool days. I couldn't remember when really. The original Japanese lyrics were conveying a story about a destined meet-up and a destined break-up using computer codes (Idrk the term but I think it's like scripts or smth lol) 
> 
> BTW, I realized some of my readers tend to message me once (in IG or Twitter) and not talk to me again after, are you shy? Hahaha please don't be, I want to know more Incles around the world and I am willing to spazz with anyone anytime. Feel free to chat me up anytime. :) I don't bite (but I often am in delu mode so yh hahaha)

 

 

 

 

  _When we grow apart, it's destiny - It's just how it was supposed to be_

_But I know that I'm not strong enough to accept that so easily_

_Each and every single answer that comes my way_

_Are sold at too high a price for me to pay_

_They rob me of the courage to leave it all and move on_

 

 

Taehyun sighed and crossed his arms over his chest, meeting the glare of the man across from him. He took another breath, trying to calm himself down. “This,” he started, clearing his throat and trying his best to swallow back the tears that were threatening to climb his throat. “This is tiring.”

 

He turned his back away from Minho, and then he took a step, then another and then he stopped. He was waiting. For Minho to say something – say this is tiring even, but he wasn’t going to give up. He was waiting for him to tap his shoulder, to force him to turn around. He was waiting for something. For anything.

 

He waited.

 

But Minho did nothing.

 

He just heard him sigh in frustration and Taehyun’s eyes blurred. He strode, grabbed the knob of his room and slammed it shut behind him.

 

He leaned on the wooden door, sliding down on it because his knees felt weak. He pressed his thighs to his chest and hugged them close, burying his face in it.

 

He sniffed, pressed the back of his hand against his lips and tried his best to even his breathing. But he can’t. He was crying, and he can barely stop himself from the uncontrollable tremble of his body.

 

Minho didn’t even try to stop him.

 

*

 

“You should stop drinking now.” Seunghoon suddenly blocked Minho’s hand from reaching another shot of vodka out of concern, but the younger only glared at him. Seunghoon pushed the glass away anyway as he adjusted himself on his seat. “I don’t think I should be meddling but, you and Taehyun had been fighting over the same things. Don’t you think you need some time off?”

 

Minho turned around and watched the swaying bodies in the center of the club, trying his best to drown the echo of Taehyun’s voice at the back of his mind. “Yes hyung, you shouldn’t be meddling.”

 

 

*

 

Taehyun started packing his clothes inside his luggage. The dorm was so silent tonight since everyone was busy with their lives. Seungyoon had been busying himself in the studio, and he decided to drag Jinwoo with him. Seunghoon was out clubbing and Minho – Minho was with him.

 

He pitied himself. As he succumbed here in the small room with swirling thoughts of leaving and pain and everything else in between, Minho was out partying.

 

_You’re ridiculous, Nam Taehyun._

 

*

 

He left Seunghoon some time ago when he asked for a bottle of water. They stopped at a convenience store, but Minho refused to go in with Seunghoon, using his being dizzy as an excuse. But the moment Seunghoon disappeared inside the shop, Minho walked away and out of sight. He needed some time alone. And he doesn’t want Seunghoon to be the target of his blame on himself anymore. Seunghoon was patient, but he doesn’t deserve Minho’s tantrums right now.

 

So he walked the dark streets, lit up by the lamp posts that somehow were blinding him. The moon was big and bright too, but Minho liked it better when the dense clouds concealed it.

 

He was walking groggily, the shots of vodka still in his system. His head was pounding, the world around him was spinning, and his heart was aching.

 

His heart was aching.

 

Minho felt his throat tightening. His eyes were stinging. He was so frustrated. So exhausted. So disgruntled that thinking straight now was impossible.

 

What would happen now?

 

He shouted. Loud. He was so frustrated at how things seemed to slip away from their fingers. He was so exhausted, but he doesn’t want to give up. He was so disgruntled because he doesn’t know what was happening.

 

He was aware that none of them were sure about how everything will progress from the very beginning. How things might change. How _they_ might change. But Minho believed they would pull through. He believed Taehyun could have held on much longer.

 

They were both strong. And Minho believed he and Taehyun would be stronger together.

 

Only that, maybe they weren’t as strong as he thought they were.

 

When they had that fight – that last fight, Minho wanted to beg and ask Taehyun to stay. He wanted to grab his shoulders, turn him around and hug him, make him remember what made them fought for this in the first place.

 

But he had second thoughts.

 

Second thoughts about what he would do if Taehyun pushed him away and hated him instead. Or of Taehyun telling him he’d had enough of Minho being too clingy and possessive.

 

He shouted again, not minding the ruckus he could make and forgetting him being an idol for the time being.

 

For just a moment he wanted to be himself. He wanted to be true to himself, not caring about what others would think or what they would brand him.

 

He wanted to cry. He wanted to cry there in the middle of the darkly-lit street at three in the morning. He wanted to let himself cry and forget the responsibilities he should be carrying. 

 

So he did.

 

*

 

“Taehyun?”

 

He greeted his mother back with a half-smile, barely kissing her cheek after and proceeded to put his heavy bags down.

 

She was still rubbing the sleep off of her eyes when he entered and locked the door behind him. “Why – ” She decided to change her question, earning a mental _thank you_ from her son. Of course, she would ask why Taehyun suddenly went home without any message or call, why his eyes were red, why he looked so determined but also confused about not looking back. “What do you plan after this?”

 

Taehyun shrugged. He wasn’t sure. “Maybe go somewhere first. LA?”

 

“Are you going to quit the band?”

 

Taehyun shrugged again, looked outside the rising sun through the small kitchen window. “Maybe.”                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       

 

 

_When we draw near each other, it's destiny too_

_The way it's supposed to unfold, through and through_

_If I could convince myself it was meant to be,_

_maybe I wouldn't feel so alone_

_Each and every single answer that comes my way_

_Have way too many hypocrisies to say_

_They erase the path that I need to take to the other side_

 

 

Minho found himself reaching for his phone and typing Taehyun’s name on his contacts. He wanted to call him, but he was sure he wouldn’t be able to say anything. He wasn’t even sure if Taehyun would answer.

 

So he tapped on the message icon, a lot of things rushing through his mind in the short seconds that followed.

 

_How are you?_

_Are you okay?_

_What’s going to happen now?_

_What about us?_

 

Minho stared at his screen blankly, his eyes focused on the blinking straight line on the white space above the keyboard.

 

What if Taehyun had already moved on? Was barely even thinking about him and the others?

 

What if Taehyun was happy now?

 

He groaned, rolled over to the other side of his bed, almost falling off.

 

And he ended up not doing anything.

 

*

 

Taehyun kept on looking at his phone. He was waiting for something. _For what?_ Of course, he knew what he was waiting for, but he would never admit it to himself.

 

So he stood up, locked himself inside the little make-shift studio and started to record songs. Songs that conveyed his feelings right now. Songs that evoke how suffocated he was and how he was drowning.

_“Or maybe one of them ran off with someone else.”_

_“Maybe the feelings just went away,”_

 

But the feelings did not go away.

 

Though he wanted himself to believe the feelings will soon fade out.

 

_“Who is this song for?_

_What am I singing for?_

_Nothing carries meaning left anymore.”_

 

Unlike what he wanted, the feelings just grew. He wasn’t doing well without Minho by his side. He was never good at hiding his emotions. It was easy to lie to others, but he couldn’t possibly do that to himself.

 

Every day made him more miserable.

 

So instead he drowned himself in recording his compositions and started thinking about making his band.

 

*

Minho was the same too. And as he realized how heavy his feelings got, he began to take on more work. New Journey to the West, collaborations with KUNST and the Infinity Challenge – anything to take his mind off of things that still hurts him.

 

Anything to make him forget.

 

*

The room filled with new colors of music and Taehyun was happy with his bandmates. He had been working alone for a while now and having new peoples’ talent blend with his own made him smile. Working with them was easy and Taehyun still finds joy in singing.

 

That was what matters the most, right?

But then his voice suddenly stopped reverberating through the tiny space of the room, leaving the instruments running. He checked his mic, tapped it sideways and looked at it. Before long the other three stopped playing and asked him what was wrong.

 

“It won’t work.” He replied briefly. “Minho would –” He bit his bottom lip, stopped himself from the sudden slip of his tongue. Minho was the one who always fixes his mics on stage and even off of it. And now that Minho wasn’t here with him— “Let’s take a break.” He said, and the three suggested they change the mic before leaving him in the studio.

 

He thought he had already managed to bury any thought involving Minho.

 

He sat there, slumped in his chair as he looked at the ceiling

 

“Fucking mic.”

 

 

*

 

Kyuhyun was eating instant ramen when he sat next to Minho one early morning. An hour too early for the staff to start filming them.  Kyuhyun said he liked the serenity this kind of hour offered, so he had been trying to wake up early and then go back to sleep if he could.

 

Minho greeted him a good morning as he was scribbling a lazy caricature down with nothing in particular in his mind. Often, Minho would find himself itching to draw something, and he will reach for anything (today it was some tissue paper) and just scribble whatever his hand wanted.

 

“What’s that?” Kyuhyun asked as he made himself comfortable in his seat.

 

Minho shrugged, commented on Kyuhyun’s early breakfast and continued what he was doing.

 

“By the way,” Kyuhyun started again, asking in between slurps. “Do you know anyone else who would like a green tea frappe? I have a coupon here, but I don’t think I would like the taste.”

 

“Taehyun would like that. He likes green tea for some reason.” Minho answered steadily, smiling after.

 

“Taehyun? Nam Taehyun?”

 

And then Minho looked up to meet the older man’s gaze, shocked that his mouth ran before he thought of what he was saying.

 

 _Fucking green tea,_ he thought.

 

 

_If the past and future both decide to disappear_

_Do you think that then I'd be finally free_

_If I could pick one emotion to do away with at last_

_If I picked my love for you would I be able to go back?_

_If I could one day hear every song that you heard_

_Breathe everything you’ve breathed, feel everything you’ve felt_

_If I could be your eyes and see the world like you did_

_Then maybe I could love you the way I've always wanted to_

 

 

Taehyun thought of them eating free _tteokbokki_ late at night and in their VLive, of the gallery they visited that one afternoon, and of them having meals with their moms. 

 

Minho thought of the first time they recorded _Pricked_ and how perfect Taehyun’s voice was as it blended with his. He thought of the _Peppero Game_ in _Ask in a Box_ and that one China fan meet where Taehyun, without any second thoughts, picked him as his partner.

 

Both of them thought of how _Sentimental_ was made.

 

Taehyun reached for his guitar and went live on Instagram, singing that particular song because he was suddenly missing everyone. He convinced himself that he was allowed to miss them.

 

He sang, with all the loneliness he felt and wished the five of them good luck. He hoped for good beginnings and better endings. He craved for happiness as his hands slide across the strings of his guitar.

 

He longed for them not to hurt anymore.

 

*

 

Minho was preparing himself for the dance Seunghoon taught them. They wanted to make this live fun, so they decided on a parody of _La La Land_ and organized a little choreography. He was exhausted since he only got off from work but the fans were waiting. The dance went well, the fans were happy. But then when he was reading the fans’ comments as they kept on asking for some hints about their comeback, Minho heard Taehyun’s voice in the back of his mind.

 

“Spoiler…”

 

Minho was singing the chorus, and it took him awhile to realize it.

 

 

 

It will be a long time before they forget each other.

And that time may be longer than forever.

 

But who knows what tomorrow will bring? When all the wounds had patched up, and all pain was washed away by the fond memories they’ve created and will be creating?

 

_All things are possible._

 

 


End file.
